Submisson

In this house we are learning a lesson on submission. I say we, because as Jay and I try to teach Jayson, I find myself learning a thing or 2 myself. Funny how that always happens to me.

Jayson loves to play football. He has played for 4 years now. Well, this week his coach basically told the boys "cut your hair or you can't play". OUCH!

Jayson's hair is how he defines himself. He prides himself on his hair. He likes himself with his hair the way it is and I have to say that I like it too! Check out his picture in my December blogs to see just how handsome he is! So to have someone tell him he must cut his hair is a really hard request for him to swallow. You see, I have never once told him to cut his hair. I figure, he's this totally awesome kid and if he chooses to wear his hair like this, then that is one choice at 12 years old that I can allow him to make. But, the coaches are making the decision for the athletes that will be playing on their teams and to cut or not to cut is a symbol of respect for their authority.

I completely understand Jayson's NOT wanting to cut his hair. Today I was the one who sat in Bible Study telling my fellow Disciplees (is that a word?) that I myself struggle with the "musts" that come along with being a Christian example. Why must I always be the one who has to say "I'm sorry" or why must I always be the one to take the higher ground? Sometimes I just don't really want to! It's rough to make good choices all the time, sometimes it's even painful!

However, as Tammy (my dear teacher) explained: I do have the right to say no....Jesus had the right to say no to the cross, but sometimes we just have to give up our rights and do the right thing! That Tammy is such a great teacher.

So, as the Discipler of my child, I must help him to learn that if he wants to continue to play the sport he loves, he will have to respect the authority over him and cut his hair. He will have to choose to do the right thing. And, yes, it will strip him of his right to wear long hair and it will strip him of his pride. But IS that a bad thing? Probably NOT.

My prayer for him is that he can quickly see (as I often do) that making a good choice or the right decision is always blessed in the days to follow! Maybe with a touchdown??????

One year

Thursday I was watching Hunter tumble. There was another lady there and she was waiting for her parents to show up from out of town. Obviously they were going to come to watch the granddaughter tumble before going to her home. When they walked in, it was like someone literally knocked the wind out of me. The grandpa had snow white hair. Hair like I haven't seen in exactly 1 year. And it wasn't just the hair. It was the joy in their eyes at seeing their grandchildren. It was the words they spoke: "I love you and have missed you sooo much! My how much you have grown! Just give me one more big hug!"

The grandpa took the grandson outside to play some basketball while the sister finished her class. The grandma ooohed and aaahed over the "amazing" things her granddaughter could do. It was like time stopped and I was watching an old movie of when VT and Bug used to attend the events of my children. It was like I suddenly could remember every event they ever came to from the time Jayson was born.

IT HURT LIKE HELL! I wondered how I was going make it sitting there through the next 45 minutes waiting for Hunter to get out of the class.

Darn it, my children had that love and it has been taken away. I honestly thought that with this 1 year mark I would be supporting Jay and I find myself finally giving into some of my own grief. I feel weak, and for those of you who know me, you know how much I HATE to feel like a weakling.

My son will never again hear his grandfather tell him how awesome he is and my daughters will not have their grandmother teaching them to cook, sew or do manicures. My husband should be celebrating each day of his new job with his father and hearing VT say "your new boss must be pretty impressed that you have already wrapped up 2 deals in 2 months!" Instead, we grieve the passing of this year.

So, I don't really sound like the strong one do I? Considering it is after 6 PM and I am still in my pjs refusing to even go out to eat. I don't think I am even putting on a very good show of it. I keep remembering this day 1 year ago and it seems like yesterday. Honestly, I can almost tell you every minute of the day that passed on February 9, 2007. I can remember what I was doing at this time last year on this day and I can remember what we were feeling. It's like some sort of ghost pain in my heart.

I know God is allowing me the grief, the feelings of weakness and vulnerability. Maybe, even though I say I believe in His strength, I don't truly give up and allow Him to demonstrate it to me. Maybe, just maybe, through my grief He will show me how strong He really is.

Superbowl Sunday

Yesterday was a HUGE day for us. BIG! Jay was so nervous it was really adorable. I just loved watching him get all prepared and get everything just right for the big moment......and guess what, I am NOT talking about the Superbowl (those of you who know Jay is a Cowboy fan knew that anyway!).

Yesterday morning Jay had to give a speech. I would have to say, the biggest of his life. A lot was on the line. He has spoken to big groups, important groups, influential groups, but never did an audience matter like the one he spoke to yesterday.

Jay had to give a speech about his love and adoration of our dear Hunter. Her Princess and the Kiss class had a Daddy/Daughter brunch yesterday morning and the featured speakers were THE DADS! The topic was "How special you (my daughter) are to me!"

Jay must have spent 4 days on his speech. It had to be perfect. He wanted Hunter to know just how special she really is. Hunter is a middle child and our very quiet, willing to please child. Sometimes I know she must really feel under-appreciated. But, yesterday the spotlight was on her! I would have loved to have been in that room. I wanted to hear it all so badly, but this was the Daddy/Daughter day. Special for Jay and Hunter.

I won't know all that happened, but the highlights warm my heart. Jay, of course, got choked up and my sweet little girl was touched to the point of tears (For our stoic Hunter that is saying a lot). I think it was a perfect speech. And when she came home, she gave her Dad this note that says "I love you Daddy" and it is now proudly displayed on Jay's bulletin board in his office.

How lucky are my daughter's that they can tangibly see the love their father has for them? How lucky am I to get to see it all played out in front of me. The power of our earthly father's love can not be overstated. It is just the most amazing gift a dad could give a daughter. In my opinion, the tone of her life will be set by knowing how much her father adores her. My girls are so incredibly blessed. God just knew that Jay would be the perfect dad for them. In Jay's love for the girls, I see a model of how our Heavenly Father loves us all, what he will do just for us and it is truly an amazing revelation for me.

Hunter will cherish the memory of this Super Sunday for the rest of her life. When she starts to feel overwhelmed or like she isn't valued in this society, she can always think back to yesterday and know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that her Daddy loves her. And it is my prayer that through knowing that her Daddy loves her, she can easily know how much her Heavenly Father loves her too!


And yes, we did watch the big game, but I must say, the Superbowl simply can't compare (sorry Giants fans!). But it was a good way to end our very own Super Sunday!

Coffee Talk

So next month I am speaking for the ladies at our church's monthly meeting of Coffee Talk. It's a fun group of women gathering to hear a spiritual speaker and spend time growing together in Christ. I was so honored to have been asked in November and then disappointed when I had to cancel due to Bug's death. However, Lorraine called me to re-schedule! What a huge compliment....she thought I was worth re-scheduling!

I am used to speaking in front of MOPS, but strangers will be different. I will be baring my soul to people who don't know me! Just a little scary.

My "talk" is about finding the Unexpected (or hidden) blessings in life. I find it ironic that I actually wrote on this subject BEFORE V.T.'s death, BEFORE Bug's death, BEFORE the year 2007. However, when I go back to re-evaluate it, I still maintain that for each circumstance in life, God will reveal a blessing. He doesn't always do it right away, but eventually I find that He does show me that each occurring moment in my life has been a stepping stone for the next and how he fits each stone so perfectly into the path that is my life. I love "aha" moments when I finally put a piece of the puzzle together and see why God has allowed a circumstance to happen in my life. It just reaffirms that He has a good and perfect plan for my life. That He is paving my way and all I have to do is follow Him.

My "talk" is a lot of my story, my testimony. Looking back, the first half of my life was rough. But, if God asked me if I wanted a different childhood given what I know today, I would have to say "no". Because it is in looking back at the stepping stones of my younger years, that I begin to see that those stones have been arranged into a beautiful pathway. My pathway may get cracks in it sometimes, and it might at times be an uphill path, but it always has beautiful scenery along the way and the promise of a rainbow at the end.

I pray for God to use my story to help the ladies find some of the blessings they were looking for. I pray for Him to give me the perfect words to speak. I am so honored to be his vessel and I ask that you would all pray for me to make a difference and an impact for Jesus because after all, THAT would be one BIG blessing to add to my path!

Sports fan?

So, I have never been a sports fan. Really, in the early years of our marriage (when I was SO young and immature) I absolutely hated the fact that my husband would spend ALL day on Saturday watching college football and then Sunday watching NFL Football. He left me basically to fend for myself each and every weekend. Oh, then there was Monday Night Football too. I started to think I didn't stand a fighting chance when all of a sudden I found out that basketball season was next! UGH!

I can't tell you how many years I fought my sports fan for his time and for his attention. I must have spent the first 3 years of our marriage bucking all sporting events. It was actually beginning to tick me off that every weekend I would have to fight for my husbands attention because he watched sports. I went to school all day and all night 4 nights a week and the weekends he was supposed to dote on me. Isn't that the way it works? Yes, there were a few good fights over football.

When Jayson was between 1-3 we had the opportunity to have season tickets to the Carolina Panthers for 2 seasons. We all 3 went to every home game together as a family in a limo (yep, it was the life). I still didn't like football, but I liked the stadium, music and atmosphere. And I loved seeing Jayson dress up in his Carolina gear and get so excited about the games. I still maintain at that point, I was not a football fan, I just liked the social aspect of going to the games, tailgating, riding in the limo and of course,not being a "football widow". (Side note: Jayson is still a Carolina fan which really bothers Jay).

I guess that must have put football into Jayson's blood too, because when he turned 8 guess what sport he chose to play....yep, football! So, this anti-sports gal suddenly became the biggest fan of little league football you ever did see. When Jayson caught his first 2 point conversion (Mama had to learn what that was and what it meant), you would have thought he had just taken his first steps. I clapped so hard my hand was bruised and I screamed so hard, my throat was sore. And when he scored that touchdown and got hit so hard he couldn't get up, Mama was ready to kick some butt. I was fired up!

I think back over that time and how my father in law sat patiently by my side and told me what was happening, what it all meant and if it was a good thing or bad thing. My father in law LOVED watching Jayson play. It was the one of the things he specifically prayed for, that he would live to watch Jayson play football. He did for 3 years! He went in a wheelchair with his oxygen, but by golly, he went to the games! He even let me put a stripe in his snow white hair with purple hairspray! This year, I sure did miss him when Jayson played for Middle school. Jay just isn't quite as patient with me as his dad used to be. He tries, but still, it's not quite the same.

Isn't if funny that I fought sports for so long and now that I think about it, some of my most bonding moments with my father in law came during football games. No, not NFL games, but VT and I just happened to think we were watching games way better than the NFL could produce. After all, we were watching OUR boy.

Today, I try to bond with my son and my husband by watching the Cowboys or the Mountaineers, but I still can't figure out why I should become a fan just to have the sorrow of watching them lose. Why waste my precious time? Oh yeah, because in those few short hours my son may lay beside me or let me scratch his back. He may joke around with me and I can pretend like he isn't growing up too fast. Football, of all things, brings me close to the boys I love (and that isn't the Cowboys!).

Happy Birthday Jay

Tomorrow (Jan 4th) is Jay's birthday. It always sneaks up on me since it's so close to Christmas. We try to make it a special day for him, but it still doesn't seem to get the "hoopla" I think birthdays deserve. I do birthdays big in this house. After all, the birth of my husband and my children are MY most precious gifts.

Isn't it ironic that it's Jay's birthday and I am the one who gets the gift? I get the gift of Jay's love, respect, kindness, stability, never ending support......yes, I could go on and on but you get the picture. So, I was thinking that since it's proper etiquette to write a thank you note for a gift, I think I might just do that:

Dear God,
Thank you so much for the gift of my husband. As I celebrate the day of his birth, I praise you for the man you have given to me and our children. You knew before Jay was born that he would be the perfect husband for me and the perfect father to our children. I thank you so much for giving me a husband who loves not only us, but YOU first and foremost. I thank You for his heart, his spirit, his mind, and his health. I stand back and marvel at the plan You have laid out for my family and I sometimes can't grasp the favor you have shown me by giving me this man to walk my journey of life with.
With all my heart, thank you!
Kristy

Welcome 2008!

Is it 2008 already? Well, you won't hear from me that old saying "WOW! Time flies" or "Where did the time go?". Nope, you won't because I think my family was ready to be rid of 2007! Wow, that year won't go down in our family memory books as a favorite. So, bring on the New Year, it can only be better than last year. Right?

As we found the funk descending over our home after my Aunt and Grandmother left yesterday, we tried to come up with good things that happened in 2007. We tried to find some light in our dark year. We saw Katie go to Kindergarten (WAS that a good thing?), we saw Jayson score his first touchdown in football (THAT was a good thing), we had an awesome family vacation in Disney, Jay was blessed with a wonderful opportunity in a new job, and (most importantly) we were overwhelmed by the love and support of our church family and dearest of friends. Yes, there were glimpses of light in our 2007.

Still, we are ready to kiss it goodbye and move on to 2008. I am not one for resolutions, I would prefer to wait and see what God has in store for me. I have found that often, my plans are so very different from His and also, that His are so much better than I could have ever imagined. So, instead of resolving about anything, I think I will wait and see what God has in store.

So,as we go into 2008 (still in a bit of a funk) I will choose to wait for God's plans for me and my family and believe that when the darkness comes, God will send the light for us again. He doesn't promise us that this year will be easy, but he has worked on our hearts enough to let us know we will be okay. Because no matter what, He will bring the light.