My Blessings

Just had family pictures made. We did our family and my sister did her family. So, of course, we had to do all the kiddos together. Aren't they just precious? I have a quote on my wall (Thanks to my friend Molly) that says "The best things in life aren't things". I think it bears repeating here.

The photos were done (as you can see) by Desiree Chapman. She is amazingly patient and her pictures are done to perfection. Her email is desiree@justoneyear.com if you are in need of a good photographer.

The "new" normal

After VT's death I kept saying "when things get back to normal around here, I am going to ______ (fill in the blank". But we never seemed to get back to normal. Try as we might our normal was just out of our grasp. I think it took me about 3 months to realize, that we were living our "new" normal. Things would never be as they were before this man left our lives and it was time to stop waiting to go back there and move forward. You know, seize the day, so to speak.

Okay, so you would think that knowing this it would be easier to grasp after losing Bug. NOT! It just doesn't seem to want to sink in. Maybe it's denial or just plain old grief. Maybe "new" normal isn't as fun as "old" normal. Maybe "new" normal is just too different and being a creature of habit I rebel. Well, for whatever reason, I am not comfortable with it all just quite yet. I thought I could talk myself into jumping in to the "new" normal this week. The kids went back to school, Jay started his new job and I am back to the daily chores of keeping our home. But for some reason it's just not feeling right.

You see, there is just enough of the "old" normal going on to make me wish we were still there and not enough "new" to make me want to be there yet. Is it grief? Probably so.

Even having been at this spot before, my family and I are still going to have to go back and work through it just like we did with VT. We can't jump ahead and be the "new" normal until we have gone day by day and let it all change over gradually. One day at a time the "old" fades and the "new" becomes a safe, comfortable and happy place to be. For a person who likes results yesterday, the one day at a time is so hard. But, alas, I realize, this is the way it has to be done.

Thank you to my dear friends who are helping me and my family adjust and take it day by day. Without your help and support I just don't think we could do it.

What could happen if you don't get out of your PJs

See, I told you all, the world doesn't slow down just because I want it to.

Today is the first day I have been home all day with nothing to do. We chose to do Christmas lights and odds and ends. Well, time kept getting away and at 3:00 I still had on my pjs and hadn't even put in my contacts. Imagine my surprise when we had a guest show up. Not just any guest, Pastor Kyung!

Well, you can imagine the horror I felt at having him see my house in a shambles, me in my pjs and being caught with my less than perfect response to having company.

I have always struggled with having people in my home. Childhood issues, what can I say. I have a routine before guests. It goes something like this: clean like a madwoman, hide things that don't have a home, bathe the dogs so they don't smell and get us all dressed in our finest. If it doesn't sparkle and everything isn't in it's place, then people might not like me or worse yet, not want to come back to my home again. I have fought for many years to keep this horrible scenario of my mind from actually occurring. EEEEK, I would just die if it did.

Well, today it did happen and my world is still turning. I am sure Kyung still loves me (although he may be a little worried about me....call my best friends and tell them they better check on me because I show signs of depression..ha ha ha). I am quite sure he will let his little boy come play at our house again and I am sure he thinks no less of me as a person today than he did yesterday. Of course, he will probably never forget the picture of me in my pjs (which consist of lounge pants and a inside out sweatshirt on an 80 degree day).

My mother in law had an open door policy. She never worried about what her house looked like or what she looked like. You were welcome in her house at any time. She would even stop what she was doing and sit down and enjoy your company. Even offer you food and drink. She was much more concerned with people than things. She was much more concerned about relationships than with housekeeping.

I think now that I realize my world will not stop turning if all is not perfect when someone shows up at my door, my door will be open more often to friends and family. You see, we needed the prayer Kyung prayed for us today, the diversion for the constant grind in our home. We needed his love and care so much more than I need a clean house and shower (I guess that one may be up for debate depending on who you asked).

No wonder Bug was loved by so many people, she constantly put them first when they were in her home.

Today has been a long day. All of us seem to have come to our breaking point and have melted down in some form or fashion. UGH, it stinks.

Tonight when I had my meltdown, instead of bringing it home to Jay, I went to visit with our neighbors. They are a wonderful retired couple whose wisdom is such a blessing to me and my family. They just welcomed me (and Katie) in to their home with open arms and loved on us for about an hour. It was emotionally refreshing for me to spend that time with them over a cup of hot tea and just be ME. I could be honest and real and there was no judging or criticizing. Just a nice soft shoulder to cry on.

Where would Jay and I be in this world without our wise mentors? Dick has meant the world to Jay in both his personal and his spiritual growth. And his wife Paula lives up to her "mentor mom" title for certain by just loving me where I am (even if it's in an ugly place). It's a nice, safe, warm place to be when the hurts are overwhelming. I left feeling loved (adored actually, Paula's so good at making me feel adored!) and comforted and ready to start out again on this journey of grief my family is on right now.

If you don't have a mentor in your life, find one. Jay and I have many between us and we value and respect each one beyond words. We wouldn't have the marriage we do today if we hadn't relied on the wisdom of older, stronger ladies and gentlemen who have been where we are now.

I personally have 3 women in my life who I call my "3 wise women" and when life is coming at me hard, when I am facing a tough decision or when I am in a rut, I just know they will lead me through the tough time and do it with God in the fore front of their words and actions. They love me unconditionally and I KNOW it, TRUST in it and FEEL it!

So, in case I don't say it enough, I love my 3 wise women and all my mentors who care for me, teach me and help me find the way. I can't imagine life without them. I can't imagine who I would be without them and I can't imagine where my walk with Jesus would be without them helping me grow in Him daily.

Yes, if you don't have a mentor, please find one (or more). Having a mentor will bless your socks off!

My husband

Well, we finally got unpacked....let me restate that: Jay got us unpacked. I have been trying to catch up on household chores and kids stuff so I just never seemed to find the time. I am blessed to have a husband who helps me out so much. Sometimes I take him for granted. That's a big NO-NO. I really need to work on that.

So, I will start by saying to you all:

My husband is a great husband, he is a great father. The best in my eyes. He can't be beat. He works hard all day long and comes home and gives 100% to us. He plays with the kids, does the dishes, puts the girls to bed and then still helps me unpack! He is one in a million! I know ladies, be jealous, be very jealous! ha ha

A lot of people will say "you trained him well!" and I usually just laugh. But the truth is he was RAISED well. He had a mother who knew one day he would be a husband and a father. She taught him how to help out around the house, run errands and do his share of the work. She taught him to be sympathetic, empathetic to MY "job". He was taught to cook, clean, grocery shop and do laundry (although he doesn't follow those directions very well). What a gift she gave me.

So, I love you honey, I love you for who you are and what you do for me and I will always love your mother for giving me the precious gift that you are!

Say yes......

Last night we got to watch Jayson perform in his middle school play. He did a great job! We were so proud of him and his class. They really worked hard and it was evident last night at the opening of the play.
I was thankful for the distraction of the play. As Jay put it "it was nice to laugh again." It was stressful getting us all ready and there, but it was so worth the effort.

This morning I had to dress Katie like a turkey. Once again, making a turkey costume was the last thing on this earth I wanted to do last night. But, how could I not? She ended up being an adorable turkey with construction paper feathers and her sister's borrowed leggings. CUTE!

So, life continues to go on all around us, much as I try I can't make it slow down and wait for me to get ready to pick up and go again. My friend Sandra told me yesterday just to trust that God will provide the strength we need when we need it. I am clinging to that.

So, today, I choose to believe God will give me what I need to make my world come together and will give my children and Jay what they need to make it through their day. After all, he knows so much better than me what we need. He's already anticipated it, provided it and is waiting for us to take Him up on it. We just have to say "yes".

So today everyone but me is out the door. Jay went back to work and all the kids went back to school. I feel like the mamma bird with all her babies out of the nest. Will they be okay? What if they need me? Who will hug them when they need it?

Wait a minute........will I be okay, what if I need them? Who will hug me when I need it?

I am alone in my home today with no distractions to keep me from remembering the grief we are all facing. I have to find the will, on my own, to put one foot in front of the other and make things happen today. Someone has to unpack, go to the grocery store and do the laundry. There is a never ending list of chores to be handled. On any given day, I am ready to tackle my job without much effort at all. Today, I feel like climbing back in the bed. My feet don't want to move, they are just too tired.

Well, bed is not an option for me, so I will just have to rely on that favorite verse of mine that tells me to just trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on MY understanding but in all my ways acknowledge him and he will direct the paths that I will take. Even if it is just one foot in front of the other.

Here goes....

Okay, so I thought I would give this blogging thing a go. When I am in search of clarity and peace I often hit the keyboard to write out my thoughts. Right now, I need that clarity and peace, so I have decided to give this a try.

The other reason for trying this out is so that I can keep all my loved ones informed and be informed at the same time. After this crazy year that we have endured, I want to stay connected, NEED to stay connected with those I love.

Today finds my husband without parents, my children without their grandparents and myself without the love and support of my in-laws. It is a sad and scary place for us all to be. In my wildest dreams I would have never for seen this horrible scene that is playing out as our lives.

With the passing of my mother in law, we have learned a very valuable lesson, there isn't always a "do over" day. No matter how many times I have been told that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow, I could never clearly understand the impact of those words until sudden death impacted my family.

If you are reading this blog, you are loved by me and I want you to know how much I love you, because I can't afford to lose another opportunity to tell you that. My "do over" may not come and I may regret that I didn't tell you I loved you more often.